REFLECTIONS ON LEADERSHIP
An entire book could be written about
the refining process that God took me through in leadership, and the things I
learned about myself would probably appall any reader. The incredible thing
about it all, though, is that I think few outside observers would ever notice.
For God, in His mercy, worked in our team despite my faults, and we were
blessed to have a close group of women who loved each other, loved Jesus, and
loved our neighbors. We were able to minister together, to share a passion for
people to enter the kingdom of God, and to live life together with minimal conflict,
and every bit of that is a testimony to God’s grace. I never asked for the job
of being a team leader, and I think God certainly could have chosen someone
better equipped for the job. (I also think He could have picked someone who actually
knew about fish to be involved with a fish farm, but I try not to question His
sovereignty). As I watched my teammates grow in their walks with God and in
their ministry gifts despite my shaky and fledgling leadership, I took note of His
ability to show His strength in our weakness.
The more I was faced with the ugly
dragons that arose from my heart, the more desperate I became to have the Holy
Spirit weed them out and refine me. Every time I would identify something as
the sin that it was, sighing relief that I had conquered that particular woe, God
would highlight another level of darkness in my spirit that would drive me to
my knees once again. I wanted to love these girls well, but I had no power to
do that on my own. Only Jesus could love them well; in order for Him to do that
through me, my heart must be pure and focused on Him.
Through this leadership experience, God taught
me the most powerful lesson of my time overseas: He is far more interested in
refining my character, forcing me to my knees in pursuit of His holiness and
His working in me, than He is about any ministry, projects, outreaches, or
results. I could have been more effective, in my own judgment, by being used to
treat more patients, run more mobile clinics, and teach more health classes. I
could have been more effective by administrating additional projects like the
fish farm, for, like it or not, administration is one of my gifts. I could have been far more effective in
outreach, I thought, by having more time to sit on the ground and chat with my
neighbors; after all, I loved these times and thrived in them, unbothered by
difficulties of communication and circumstance. Yet in each of these things, I judged
that I could have been more effective in my
strengths.
While I would have acknowledged these
strengths as gifts endowed by God, I would have had little motivation for
seeking growth in dependence on the Holy Spirit and in personal holiness. So
instead of allowing me more time operating in these strengths, God walked me straight
into my areas of weakness. Successfully working out of my strengths, I could
have floated easily above the dark clouds that filled my heart and never
noticed they were there; God thought it better to send me plunging straight
through them instead. While it was not always fun, I can say that it was always
good.
I desire the “holiness without which no
one will see God” (Hebrews 12:14), but I am not going to attain it by always
living life according to my plan. If personal growth requires placing me in unknown,
uncharted waters, God will put me there. He will help me to sail, but only so
long as I acknowledge the wind comes from Him. If refining my character requires placing me
in positions I never dreamed of, God will place me in those, too. He will lead
and direct and grant me wisdom, but only so long as I acknowledge that guidance
comes from Him. If I am ever tempted to stray from that acknowledgement, He
will not hesitate to let me fall, straight back on my knees, in order to bring
me back on course.
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